HO HUM

Lately, I have been inundated with job interviews. I'm not complaining, really. I applied for these jobs. It has been my desperation to find a job before I'm too far gone to dig myself out. The thing is, I have been interviewing at jobs that are a step (or 5 or 6 steps) down from my previous position. And my previous position was a step (or 5 or 6 steps) down from my qualifications. I am getting further and further away from the original goals that I held for myself. The standards that I strove to upkeep are getting lower by the year. As much as I try to ignore it, I am becoming quite ashamed of myself. Who am I and what has happened to my ambition?

Mind over Matter

I've recently been reading The Secret by Rhonda Byrne, a book that orbits around the law of attraction. According to the book, our thoughts, attitudes, and unspoken/spoken fears and desires determine that which we have in our lives. For instance by thinking that there will be a bill in the mailbox, when I go to check my mail, I put myself on a negative frequency, thus bringing my fears into reality. It's like our brains are giant magnets; only instead of positive attracting negative, positive attracts positive and negative attracts negative. By these guidelines, anything that we desire can be ours if only we bring it into reality. But also, anything we fear can be brought into reality by dwelling on it, even unconsciously. This is the part that is hard for me to accept. I am sure that it would be to anyone who has had hardships in their lives. This universal law, held standard by Albert Einstein and Thomas Edison amongst countless others, says that my own thoughts have brought my hardships into reality. And the real kicker is that my obsessive thinking about the difficulties I've been having sets into effect a cycle of self perpetuated hardship. The only way for me to change the frequency of my thoughts is to think positive, speak positive, and believe positive. I don't know how I'm going to change my circumstances, that part hasn't exactly been mapped yet. Perhaps, armed with this ancient principle, though, I can give myself a chance at a better life. Here's to positive thinking.

Absent in part

I am an absentee blogger! I hope that nobody reported me to the authorities. My good intentions were to blog consistently for as long as my little fingers could type. As usual though, life gets in the way. My desperate job search took precedence over any desire to document my life's journey. I came down with a nasty case of bronchitis (complete with a barking cough) and spent 2 full days in bed, only getting up to use the bathroom. And I've also been searching for a car. The big detail there is that it has to run without additional work and it cannot cost more than $1000! Needless to say, blogging has been at the bottom of my list. Thankfully, there have been some developments along the way on the job front. I have had SEVERAL interviews, a majority of which have gone well and 2 job offers, thus far. A problem remains, though, as the jobs require some lifting and I have not been medically cleared to lift the amount required yet. If only the employers could wait just 2 more weeks, I feel certain I will be cleared then. The car problem is slowly coming to a resolution. Truth be told, I am positive that it will be no problem to find a car. The only foreseeable problem is finding affordable insurance. It's really a double edged sword- I cannot afford a car until I get a job and I cannot get a job unless I have reliable transportation! Woe is me! As for the bronchitis, I have given in and sought uninsured help from a medical professional. I am on my way to easy breathing. No other news, just busy being grateful for the things that are good in my life.

Resilient Hearts

Last night was a very difficult night for me. The combined stress of trying to recover from my injuries, find a job, and being so behind on my bills, finally caught up with me. For the first time in the seven months since our car accident, I felt a total an utter lack of hope. It was as if my very energy was drained from me and my will to fight wiped away. All I could think was that I didn't want to fight any longer and worse yet, that I didn't think I would survive the cocktail of anger and hopelessness that had overtaken me. Despite Travis's words of encouragement and comfort, I had abandoned my fighting will. When I woke up today, my eyes were swollen from hours of crying and my mind was clear. It was important for me to express myself out loud. It helped me to realize that I am, if nothing else, audacious. I always have been. And if I'm going to live this life that God gave me, I'm going to have to take the good with the bad. No body ever said that life was fair and it has been far from easy over the past seven months, but if I made it through that lowest moment of despair, then I can make it through the next and the next and the next, until I've blasted my way through the wall that stands before me. The American Heritage Dictionary gives two definitions for resilience. The first is the most readily accepted definition, but it's the second definition that speaks to me most. "The property of a material that enables it to resume its original shape or position after being bent, stretched, or compressed." I have had pressure coming in from every direction. If I can find a way, any way, to get even a fragment of my old life back, I will count myself successful. God wouldn't give me any obstacle too great to overcome.

Ever since mid January, when I was forced to take medical leave from my job because my employers did not listen during my interview, I have been dealing with the politics and nonesense of being unemployed. I spend my days on the phone with the unemployment office, trying to find out why after 2 months I am still not collecting unemployment. I spend my nights on the internet, desperately searching for a job. And then, when I finally have a job interview, I am not hired, either because I can't lift more than 50lbs for the time being, or because my experience is not what they are looking for, not that this is something I perceive immediately. No, that is not the case at all! Normally, I leave my job interviews excited, raving about my success. Then I spend the next week, jumping at every phone call, telling everyone that things might finally be okay. They NEVER call and I end up back at square one, degraded and seconds from my own homelessness.

As of tonight, I have applied for 40 jobs! Half of them will not call. The ones that will, will be the jobs for which I am over qualified. Of those, 10 will give me an interview, 2 will offer me a job and both will expect me to work for minimum wage. And this time, despite the numerous refusals to accept less than I am worth, I will take it. What more can I lose? How much lower can I go?

FHM outrage

I read an article earlier, all about how outraged everyone is that TV personality and Chef, Rachel Ray posed in what looks to be a bathing suit in FHM in 2003. They're calling the photographs "racy and inappropriate". And I say, more power to her! If a curvaceous 35 year old woman (she was 35, when the photos were taken) has the guts to pose provocatively in a magazine that normally features anorexic teeny-boppers, that is her prerogative! Whose business is it to tell her otherwise?

Okay, So the photos might not be the most empowering to women. So what! The act of going against the current and showing a normal female body, as opposed to the itty-bitty malnourished one is empowering. Rachel Ray, the spokeswoman for Dunkin Donuts (another action that has gotten negative responses), is showing that it is alright to have some meat on your bones. Ladies, you do not have to forgo eating, just to be appreciated by men! If men had such an issue with a more realistic human form, the magazine would not have sold. Now, I'm not going to say that there aren't some men out there who search for visible bones, when seeking a mate. All that I am saying is this, it took guts for Rachel Ray to pose in FHM. This should be acknowledged and appreciated. She looks hot!

Tipping the Scales, Part II

As I typed in yesterday's entry, I've decided to do something positive to remedy my recent weight gain. As I also mentioned, probably the most important step to doing this is planning towards my goal. I've tried to lose weight before and have never had any success- if I had, I would not be in this condition to begin with! So, I started planning today. I gathered up all of my cook books and recipes and marked the healthy meals that looked at least semi-tasty. I've decided that if I do this, I have to make it stick. And in order for it to stick,I have to do more than just diet and exercise, I have to do a complete lifestyle change. That means I have to like what I'm eating- perhaps that is what has gotten in the way before. Next, I flipped through my Self mags and looked for exercises to target the areas that I need the most help on. I already do 3 plus hours of exercise on my quads, hamstrings, and glutes each week with physical therapy (not that it's showing). Basically, what I'm looking for are abdominal toners and bicept & tricept toners. The biggest challenge, though, will be getting sufficient cardio (never my strong suit). I suppose by making my intentions known here, I will be able to hold myself more accountable.

Tipping the Scales

After stepping onto the scale and noticing a much higher number than usual, I've decided that something must be done to remedy the ever climbing number. It is not as if I am sedentary; In fact, with my physical therapy appointments, I am getting more than the required amount of exercise. The problem lies in my immense love of sweets. Today, for instance, I enjoyed 2 peanut butter cups, a pack of gushers, and a piece of raspberry cream pie. Even I realize that this is entirely too much. And there lies the problem.

Some one once told me that the key to success in anything lies in the planning stage. It is easy to recognize the problem and even easier to forsee the desired outcome. The one thing standing between most people and success is a lack of planning. If you are not fully prepared for anything that may come between you and your goal, you will find yourself unable to overcome obstacles. This lies directly in contrast to my favorite quote of the moment, which says, "The most successful people did not know how they would become successful, they only knew that they would," The Secret. It seems I will have to incorporate the advice of my good friend as well as the advice of The Secret. I will envision my success while laying out a plan. Any suggestions are welcomed.

A Streak of Bad Coincidences?

I received some absolutely awful news tonight. My older sister, who lives in Florida with her husband, was in a car accident. I don't believe in luck, but if I did I would think that our family was having a very unlucky year! In August, my fiance and myself were in a car accident and both very badly injured. Six months later, we are still desperately striving towards normalcy in our lives. Our injuries are mostly healed- more so for Travis than myself, but our lives are still in shambles. In January, my younger brother (22 years old) was doing a transport for work in a company vehicle. He was tired from working multiple shifts back to back and mistakingly pulled out into an intersection while the light was red. He totaled the vehicle and hurt his back. On the 14th of February, my younger sister (18 years old) was on her way home with her fiance, when another driver hit a patch of ice and hit their vehicle head-on. All involved escaped with only minor injuries. And now, this news from my eldest sibling, Mary (27 years old). Like I said, I do not believe in luck. What I do believe is meaning behind coincidences. Four totaled cars in 6 months is a huge string of coincidences. I hate to read too much into this, but I notice an indeniable pattern here. It's like A.C. Clarke said, "Twice is a coincidence, thrice is a pattern." So, what is the key to this pattern, then? Add into the mix, my parents' house fire and it seems that we are all being tested. Lets hope that we can pass.

E-commerce

There has been such a rise in e-commerce businesses out there that when I tell someone that my fiance and myself own an e-commerce business, they scoff. Nobody believes that there is such a thing as success in a business if hard labor and long hours are not neccessary. I'll be the first to admit, the number one rule of economics is not suspended for those of us who chose to take control of our own financial futures. We work on our business! We work hard at it- contacting people, setting up appointments, showing others what we have to offer. And more often than not, people say no. Being told no is not a problem. We offer to others what we have seen happen in large scale to those around us and that which is just starting to work for us, if they're UN-interested, that is their prerogative. Some people just aren't very good at working for themselves. If we weren't doing this, though, we would not be making strides toward financial independence. So I'll take the funny looks and the hard work, if it means that I won't spend my old age working at Walmart, just to get by.

Here Comes the Bride

On August 5th, 2007, my then boyfriend asked me to marry him. It was something like his fourth attempt at a proposal and though, it was far from romantic, I said yes. In my car, on the way to my five year high school reunion, Travis and I were chatting about random things and listening to the radio, when he turned to me without warning and held out his hand, in it a ring box. "So," his voice was shaking a little and his grip was tight on the box, "do you think you might want to wear this," he said. I took the box out of his hand and put the ring on my finger. I had tried it on a dozen times and knew even before he gave it to me, that I loved it. Instead of saying yes, or 'OF COURSE' (the thing I wanted to say most), I looked over at him, utter confusion betrayed in my face and asked the question that I just couldn't withhold, "So, does this mean that we're engaged then?"

That was eighteen months ago now and in the time that we've been engaged we've seen our share of ups and downs. Our wedding had been twice postponed, when we finally set our wedding date for July 18, 2009. Once again a major wrench was thrown into our plans, in the shape of a terrible and life threatening car accident. We have done what we can to preserve our plans for a July 18th wedding, but have come to realize that this is an impossibility. So now, we seek an alternative, something to replace our previous wedding plans. After all, as Travis put it after his unconventional proposal, it doesn't matter how we do it, as long as we end up together.

Correspondence

In a final effort to rekindle my friendships, I've re-instituted keeping in touch amongst the ladies who have shaped the last 5 years of my life. We all said that we would stay friends after college; there was even talk of annual vacations, just us girls. After a mere 2 years though, I have noticed that we haven't done a very good at keeping our word to one another. I'm sure it happens all the time- "Keep in touch" seems to have become such a cursory statement. I remember jotting the same 3 words on the back of my senior pictures before handing them out to my high school friends, 6 years ago. I'm only in contact with 2 of the people on whom I bestowed my friendship back then. What has gotten into us as a generation? Why are we so bad at keeping contact with those who are close to us? My grandmother still writes to friends she had in grade school and I can barely keep track of my own sisters! Have we become so dependent on technology that if we aren't emailing, we aren't talking? Perhaps that is it. Only when I appointed monthly email updates did I hear anything from my pals. Even I have avoided making phone calls to these friends that I miss so much, worried that I won't have anything interesting to say. But no longer, I'm committing myself to this.

To Strive or Not to Strive

I went to the doctor today for my six week follow up (I have had orthopaedic appointments every six weeks since August). As usual, I waited an hour in the waiting room. As usual, they took me in for the usual battery of x-rays followed by another 15 minute wait in the examining room. Instead of the usual walk around the room and squats that the doctor normally observes, though, my doctor didn't insist upon a fitness performance today. Today, he asked me something entirely different, am I ready to give up. I have to say, the question took my by surprise. My doctor was inquiring as to whether I wanted to continue trying to improve my physical circumstances! Since the car accident, I have been physically limited, not to mention the pain that persists on at least a semi-weekly basis. He wanted to know if I was willing to settle for less than ideal physical health and truth be told, I was tempted. It's not a picnic going to physical therapy twice a week, just so I can be as good as I was 7 months ago. I left without giving the doctor an answer. I think I need to think a bit more before deciding whether or not to give up on myself.

The Chips have Fallen, Where to Next?

When the chips are down, where do you turn? Recently, I was in a car accident. A careless young man, mere months younger than myself, decided to get behind the wheel of his car after drinking entirely too much. As a result of this person's actions, I have spent months in rehabilitation, just trying to get my life back on track. When faced with the consequences of his actions, though, the other driver (lets call him Mr. X) claimed what I'm sure many others in his situation would have claimed: he was young, he came from a good family, and he had community support to help him overcome this new "obstacle" in his life. The judge responded favorably (at least, favorably for him) and treated him to a slap on the wrist. Mr. X had to complete minimal community service and pay a tiny little fine, the total of which fell short of even my most minimal medical expense. So the question remains, what is the next step? Do you loose faith in God? Do you loose faith in the system? How does one overcome such an enormous set back? The truth is, once you experience something to the capacity of that which I am currently struggling, you are never really the same. I will always grab for my fiance's arm, when there are headlights heading in our direction. I can never watch a movie with a car accident in it, without tearing up. The goal is to live with your new limitations, to function in less than ideal circumstances. So, I might not know where to turn and I may never totally regain faith in the judicial system or society, for that matter. But I will continue in my strive towards normalcy and maybe, in time I will be able to close my eyes without reliving the whole terrible event.