HO HUM

Lately, I have been inundated with job interviews. I'm not complaining, really. I applied for these jobs. It has been my desperation to find a job before I'm too far gone to dig myself out. The thing is, I have been interviewing at jobs that are a step (or 5 or 6 steps) down from my previous position. And my previous position was a step (or 5 or 6 steps) down from my qualifications. I am getting further and further away from the original goals that I held for myself. The standards that I strove to upkeep are getting lower by the year. As much as I try to ignore it, I am becoming quite ashamed of myself. Who am I and what has happened to my ambition?

Mind over Matter

I've recently been reading The Secret by Rhonda Byrne, a book that orbits around the law of attraction. According to the book, our thoughts, attitudes, and unspoken/spoken fears and desires determine that which we have in our lives. For instance by thinking that there will be a bill in the mailbox, when I go to check my mail, I put myself on a negative frequency, thus bringing my fears into reality. It's like our brains are giant magnets; only instead of positive attracting negative, positive attracts positive and negative attracts negative. By these guidelines, anything that we desire can be ours if only we bring it into reality. But also, anything we fear can be brought into reality by dwelling on it, even unconsciously. This is the part that is hard for me to accept. I am sure that it would be to anyone who has had hardships in their lives. This universal law, held standard by Albert Einstein and Thomas Edison amongst countless others, says that my own thoughts have brought my hardships into reality. And the real kicker is that my obsessive thinking about the difficulties I've been having sets into effect a cycle of self perpetuated hardship. The only way for me to change the frequency of my thoughts is to think positive, speak positive, and believe positive. I don't know how I'm going to change my circumstances, that part hasn't exactly been mapped yet. Perhaps, armed with this ancient principle, though, I can give myself a chance at a better life. Here's to positive thinking.

Absent in part

I am an absentee blogger! I hope that nobody reported me to the authorities. My good intentions were to blog consistently for as long as my little fingers could type. As usual though, life gets in the way. My desperate job search took precedence over any desire to document my life's journey. I came down with a nasty case of bronchitis (complete with a barking cough) and spent 2 full days in bed, only getting up to use the bathroom. And I've also been searching for a car. The big detail there is that it has to run without additional work and it cannot cost more than $1000! Needless to say, blogging has been at the bottom of my list. Thankfully, there have been some developments along the way on the job front. I have had SEVERAL interviews, a majority of which have gone well and 2 job offers, thus far. A problem remains, though, as the jobs require some lifting and I have not been medically cleared to lift the amount required yet. If only the employers could wait just 2 more weeks, I feel certain I will be cleared then. The car problem is slowly coming to a resolution. Truth be told, I am positive that it will be no problem to find a car. The only foreseeable problem is finding affordable insurance. It's really a double edged sword- I cannot afford a car until I get a job and I cannot get a job unless I have reliable transportation! Woe is me! As for the bronchitis, I have given in and sought uninsured help from a medical professional. I am on my way to easy breathing. No other news, just busy being grateful for the things that are good in my life.

Resilient Hearts

Last night was a very difficult night for me. The combined stress of trying to recover from my injuries, find a job, and being so behind on my bills, finally caught up with me. For the first time in the seven months since our car accident, I felt a total an utter lack of hope. It was as if my very energy was drained from me and my will to fight wiped away. All I could think was that I didn't want to fight any longer and worse yet, that I didn't think I would survive the cocktail of anger and hopelessness that had overtaken me. Despite Travis's words of encouragement and comfort, I had abandoned my fighting will. When I woke up today, my eyes were swollen from hours of crying and my mind was clear. It was important for me to express myself out loud. It helped me to realize that I am, if nothing else, audacious. I always have been. And if I'm going to live this life that God gave me, I'm going to have to take the good with the bad. No body ever said that life was fair and it has been far from easy over the past seven months, but if I made it through that lowest moment of despair, then I can make it through the next and the next and the next, until I've blasted my way through the wall that stands before me. The American Heritage Dictionary gives two definitions for resilience. The first is the most readily accepted definition, but it's the second definition that speaks to me most. "The property of a material that enables it to resume its original shape or position after being bent, stretched, or compressed." I have had pressure coming in from every direction. If I can find a way, any way, to get even a fragment of my old life back, I will count myself successful. God wouldn't give me any obstacle too great to overcome.

Ever since mid January, when I was forced to take medical leave from my job because my employers did not listen during my interview, I have been dealing with the politics and nonesense of being unemployed. I spend my days on the phone with the unemployment office, trying to find out why after 2 months I am still not collecting unemployment. I spend my nights on the internet, desperately searching for a job. And then, when I finally have a job interview, I am not hired, either because I can't lift more than 50lbs for the time being, or because my experience is not what they are looking for, not that this is something I perceive immediately. No, that is not the case at all! Normally, I leave my job interviews excited, raving about my success. Then I spend the next week, jumping at every phone call, telling everyone that things might finally be okay. They NEVER call and I end up back at square one, degraded and seconds from my own homelessness.

As of tonight, I have applied for 40 jobs! Half of them will not call. The ones that will, will be the jobs for which I am over qualified. Of those, 10 will give me an interview, 2 will offer me a job and both will expect me to work for minimum wage. And this time, despite the numerous refusals to accept less than I am worth, I will take it. What more can I lose? How much lower can I go?

FHM outrage

I read an article earlier, all about how outraged everyone is that TV personality and Chef, Rachel Ray posed in what looks to be a bathing suit in FHM in 2003. They're calling the photographs "racy and inappropriate". And I say, more power to her! If a curvaceous 35 year old woman (she was 35, when the photos were taken) has the guts to pose provocatively in a magazine that normally features anorexic teeny-boppers, that is her prerogative! Whose business is it to tell her otherwise?

Okay, So the photos might not be the most empowering to women. So what! The act of going against the current and showing a normal female body, as opposed to the itty-bitty malnourished one is empowering. Rachel Ray, the spokeswoman for Dunkin Donuts (another action that has gotten negative responses), is showing that it is alright to have some meat on your bones. Ladies, you do not have to forgo eating, just to be appreciated by men! If men had such an issue with a more realistic human form, the magazine would not have sold. Now, I'm not going to say that there aren't some men out there who search for visible bones, when seeking a mate. All that I am saying is this, it took guts for Rachel Ray to pose in FHM. This should be acknowledged and appreciated. She looks hot!